Year in pictures

                  

Amanda's Trip of Awesomeness

                  

Amanda's Trip of Awesomeness

Nutrient soup

Maybe if I sit here and stare at the blinking cursor long enough I'll figure out where to start this post.  A billion things are whirring around my brain and I guess I'm just waiting for one or two of them to begin thoughtlessly leaking out my fingers.

A while back a friend of mine posted on Facebook that she found a little green caterpillar in some broccoli she was eating, and after putting it in a jar and caring for staring at it for however long, out came the cutest little green butterfly.  Now, I've always known the basics of how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, but it wasn't until recently that I learned that inside the cocoon, at one point it is in the form of a "nutrient soup."  How the fuck a colorful squishy bug who turns into soup, ends up a delicate winged creature is beyond my comprehension, but it's pretty damn amazing.

So for the past month and a half that I've been away ignoring my blog, it's been because I am nutrient soup. I am a walking, talking, breathing, sleeping cocoon held together by my pale, varicose vein-ridden hide.  I sleep all the time, I've put on weight, I neglect housework, I make macaroni and cheese for dinner, I don't shower every day.

I'm not me.

But something is teeming inside; my nutrient soup is starting to solidify, molecule by molecule.  My soup stage hasn't been completely for naught - I have been trying to figure out my being like never before.  I met someone.  Yes, I have a boyfriend.  We went to the same elementary school for a few years, then he moved away and came back for a couple years of high school.  I didn't know him really well then, but I knew him.  We reconnected a bit ago and instantly formed an incredible bond.

He is living out-of-state at the moment but will be relocating back to Cody soon, and we have talked of combining our families (he is also raising a son and daughter on his own), possibly adding to the brood, maybe marriage, maybe not.

This relationship and its possibilities have been ingredients to the soup - am I ready to share my life with a man again?  Am I ready to commit to him forever?  Is he THE ONE?  Hell, so much about him is different than who I usually go for.  I've always been attracted to the ones who have the walls built up, who are angry at life, who had the tendencies to be assholes.  Not this time.  This time I threw caution to the wind and accepted someone into my life who is full of love, who is anything and everything I have ever looked for in a man, who has no walls I have to fight through.

My rebuilding isn't only about finding love, but finding the right direction in which to take my education, biting the bitter pill that what I thought I would love doing (film production) has left me completely unfulfilled.  It's also about putting my physical self back together, finding an exercise program that I enjoy, that I can be patient with myself with in order to take good care of my whole self.  It's been a slow, piece-by-piece process that has required sleep, and thought, and deep introspection, and sometimes cookies and milk instead of lunch.

So who knows who will emerge from this cocoon - maybe a new wife and mother, maybe an author, maybe a crack whore.  Maybe all of the above.

Only time will tell.

*I apologize for the words that link to advertisements.  I didn't format them to do that and I don't know how to remove the links.

Swollen with pride

Yesterday Amanda came home from school holding a rather thick envelope she had been given by a teacher.    On the front of the envelope was written, "Please present this JrNYLC nomination package to your nominee, Amanda Bieske.  She didn't know what it was for, and as she opened it she said that maybe it was for a writing thing she had done.

She began to read the first letter out loud:

"Congratulations!  As a result of your outstanding academic achievements and demonstrated leadership potential, you have been selected to attend the 2013 Junior National Young Leaders Conference to be held in Washington, D.C."

Ho.Lee.Shit!  I bet my eyes were as big as saucers and  my grin looked as dumb as Goofy's, but as she read, my entire being seemed to float into the air, full of the most awesome pride for my girl.  Thoughts of me and Brandon accompanying her on her week-long trip whirled through all of our minds, and we began to excitedly talk about how awesome it was going to be.  Then I read the part that basically said parents aren't welcome, that the kids will all be doing everything together as their own group.

As soon as I said I'm so sorry Amanda, but this will have to be on your own, her eyes got huge and she burst into tears.  But I don't want to go so far away without my family! she blurted.  The second those words came out of her mouth and the tears began to fall, I nearly lost my composure as well.  I quickly gathered myself so I wouldn't make her feel any worse, but seeing her in a heap like that nearly tore me to shreds.

As she tried to wrap her head around this exciting, terrifying adventure, I assured her that I would never make her go, but it was an excellent opportunity that she would regret turning down.  I did my best to explain that she would make so many new friends, that everyone else attending would probably be scared shitless too, and that since it's not till summer she has plenty of time to prepare.  With a tremble in her voice, she decided that YES - she would go.  The cons aren't worth it, she said.

Throughout the rest of the evening she kept repeating that she was so shocked that she was chosen, that she could think of others who would have been better candidates, that she didn't see how she represented leadership.  I just stay quiet and do my thing... I reassured her that she is an excellent leader and there are such good qualities about her that are so natural she doesn't even realize she has them, and those qualities are what makes her perfect for this nomination.

I feel good about proclaiming my pride for her.  She is humble with her achievements; she works harder than any kid I know; like she said, she stays quiet and does her thing - not boasting, not asking for accolades, not looking for attention.  Because of this I  want the world and beyond to know that this young lady is going to do great things one day, and this opportunity just jettisoned her in the right direction.

I love you Amanda! Brandon and I are so proud of you, and your dad would be too!

Winning the battles

Just a picture of me.  Excited I haven't succumbed to scissors-to-the-hair, and that it's getting long.  Finally.

I know I talk about my mental health.  A. LOT.  And I'm not going to stop any time soon.  I also know I'm all over the map with regards to what helps, what I think is helping, and what helps for a minute.  Until I figure this shit out, that's how I'll continue to roll.

I read a quote about a month ago and I felt it so deeply, I wrote it in my journal in big letters, scrawled across the whole page.

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.  ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

I also saw something on Twitter that I loved, and it said 

E.N.D.

Entirely

New 

Direction

Ok, so with the quote about peace firmly in my psyche and this other little gem about a new direction, I decided to merge the two together.  For 37 years and some change, I have been at war with myself, fighting between what I think I should be doing, and what I actually want to be doing.  "Rules" that have been imposed by society grip me tight around my chest, because sometimes what my soul is telling me to do is not what society says I should be doing.  I haven't been able to breathe...  

Until now.

I'll give you an example:  Sleep.

I was shamed for napping in my marriage so much that it's taken a couple years for me to allow myself to enjoy a nap and not feel guilty about it.  To sleep is to be lazy.  It's to be unproductive.  To sleep is to be unfair to the rest of the world who is not sleeping.  

So lately (and I brought this up not long ago) I have found myself glued to the bed after the kids leave for school.  Before my E.N.D. I would go back to bed and sleep for a couple of hours, waking with the dreaded internal war, because Shame on me I was sleeping when I should have been doing SOMETHING.  Shame on me for being so lazy.  Shame on me for not trying harder.  And that's how I would start my day.  Feeling ashamed for being a slovenly piece of no-good shit.

So when I decided to end the war, to surrender to what my soul needed instead of what society's "shoulds" demanded, that war gradually ceased-fire.  If my body tells me to go back to bed, that's what I do.  I keep the room dark, turn on a fan for background noise, snuggle into the most comfortable bed ever, set my alarm for whenever, and I allow myself to finish charging my batteries.  When I wake up I lay there for a few minutes, enjoying the natural unfolding of my day.  

I need sleep, and LOTS of it.  I am taking the time I need at this moment to allow that sleep to happen.  Maybe it's a phase and it's just something I will "grow out of."  Maybe it's my body's way of healing after the stress of the past few years.  Maybe trusting my body and my soul is the best thing I could be doing for myself right now.

Exercising - oh the guilt that comes with the whole exercise thing!!  My internal war when it comes to exercise and body image is a brutally bloody massacre.  It's one of the worst, most ugly, longest wars in my history.  I want to look good.  I want to feel good.  BUT - I should accept myself the way I am. I should exercise.  I have zero motivation to exercise.  But I want to look and feel good.  But but but but

E.N.D.

I have a few ways I've almost completely ended the exercise war.  First and most importantly, I run because it helps with my depression, not because the end result will be a great ass.  I get at least twenty minutes in, and if I'm not feeling it on a particular day, I keep it nice and slow.  But I do it.  I've been running two days a week for a few weeks now.  Two days a week is no marathon, and I'm very aware of that.  What I'm more aware of is, I've been running two days a week and that's a big fucking accomplishment for me.

My inner dialogue changed as well.  As soon as I changed "Fuuuuuuuck I don't want to go to the gym today," into "I can't wait to go for a run today!" my attitude and motivation changed.  BAM!  Just like that.  I say it and I mean it, because I know that sometimes just getting into the door deserves applause in my little world.  It's about walking over the dead parts of my soul that have been sacrificed in the decades-long war.   It is progress and it feels wonderful.

I'm taking such baby steps it's a wonder I'm getting anywhere.  But baby steps towards inner peace and a healthier me is proving to be so much better than leaps in the completely wrong direction.  I am retraining my mind to process my life as it is, not as I (or society) think it should be.

I have surrendered to the needs of my soul and am waving the white flag of peace.

I am finally learning to breathe...